this year felt like being awake during surgery
Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham
santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.