If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–