I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.