Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.