Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no