(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?