Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Spotted in New Orleans.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!