A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.