me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
shazam but for random noises outside
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
