Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.