A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
the #horror is real!
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it