What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes