I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep