ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.