Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Battery falling down a hole
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.