The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue