cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law