Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?