Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!