I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.