I hate everything
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.