Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.