shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set