People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”