cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning