I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*