[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him