Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go