Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.