Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.