Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.