My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*