Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail