For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?