Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.