“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.