My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.