A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!