[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat