me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved