doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
The struggle is real.
