[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
I’m at BJs if anyone needs 500 tampons, a vat of mayonnaise, or a gazebo hmu.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…