Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
