I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix