friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.