When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer