Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.