i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please