Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.