Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.