People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.