Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.