The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.